no, seriously. if they make a movie about this, I will be first in line to watch it.

Night was falling.

Fog slowly drifted in, hiding Zel Blankor from the Mexican coast. A relatively small island, it was simply a moor that ended in jagged cliffs in all directions. Nobody went there.

Tonight was an exception.

A man stood waiting in the center of the island. Rubbing his arms to get warmth in, he stared up at the full moon, which was slowly rising.

As the moon hit its’ peak and bathed the island in light, three more people came.

One melted out of the shadows, dressed in the black garb of a Japanese ninja assassin. Another arrived on a small boat made of driftwood. And one flew, shooting through the air.

The ninja had a sword on his back and a staff in his hand. The one on the boat was dressed in clothes made from pond weeds, had beads around his neck, and sported a headband with the peace symbol on it. The flying one wore a skintight suit that showed off his muscular chest, and a flowing cape hung in the air behind him.

The moon came out from behind a cloud, and the first man fell, contorting as if in agony. Gray hair grew from all visible parts of him, and his shirt ripped as his torso grew. His fingers stretched, turning into claws. His face elongated into a wolf’s snout, and his ears grew furry and pointed. He snarled, revealing sharp fangs, and his eyes glowed red. A tail split his pants.

Everyone stood frozen for the briefest moment, and then, with an earsplitting roar, the werewolf sprang and the ninja. The ninja grappled him and threw the werewolf at the hippie, who summoned a glowing yellow shield in the form of a cat’s face, which repelled both the thrown werewolf and the flying man, throwing them into the dirt. The flying man stood up.

“I wondered why you agreed to this fight,” he said. “And now I know. You have….er…this whatsit.”

“Dudeism, man,” replied the hippie. “You massacre trees and destroy buildings, Amazing Man. We’re supposed to live in peace and harmony.”

The ninja vanished, appeared behind the hippie, struck at the hippie with his katana, and vanished again. Amazing Man picked him up and slammed him into the ground over and over. The werewolf sprung, knocking Amazing Man to the ground. The hippie, groaning with pain from three broken ribs and a torn tendon, summoned a golden rope that curled around the werewolf.

“Dude,” he said. “Prepare to be, like, smashed into organic fruit juice.”

He swung the werewolf around his head three times, smashing it into the ninja and Amazing Man, before releasing. The werewolf sailed over the cliff to be impaled on the sharp, rocky points below.

The ninja attacked, swinging staff and sword in perfect unison. Amazing Man was tripped by the staff, struck in the head with the sword, and then stabbed twice by the staff’s sharpened point. The hippie jumped over the staff but was hit with the sword.

Amazing Man and the hippie stood, battered and cut. Arrogance flashed in the ninja’s eyes, and he beckoned them forward.

Only to collapse as the werewolf leapt onto his back.

The werewolf’s arcane curse had kept him alive, but he was badly wounded. Several large wounds in his torso weeped dark blood. They collapsed in a heap, snarling on the edge of a cliff. Amazing Man saw his chance and flew into the pair, blasting them over. As they fell, the ninja drew a sharp dagger and began stabbing the werewolf as they both tumbled to their death.

Amazing Man immediately turned and flew at the hippie, who swiftly conjured a glowing gold shield of energy with the face of a cat in the middle. Amazing Man’s blows came quickly and powerful, each hit blasting the hippie back. Amazing Man only stopped when the hippie stood at the edge of the cliff.

“Any last words?” asked Amazing Man sardonically. The hippie grinned, his eyes flashing behind his yellow tinted glasses.

“Dude,” he replied. “These’ll be your last words.”

His hands glowing with energy, the hippie thrust both of them forward. An army of glowing golden cats sailed up from the sea. The hippie sat astride an enormous kitten with rainbow patterned fur. The army charged at Amazing Man, with the hippie yelling something about tofu and trees. The arm -y of cats leap onto Amazing Man and drove him over the other cliff. The rainbow kitten pinned Amazing Man, hindering and stopping movement. Amazing Man yelled profanity all the way to the ground.

The hippie climbed down the sheer cliffs and gently laid his opponent’s mutilated bodies to rest in the sea, and then climbed into his small boat and sailed away, dreaming of summertime.