I may be two years old, but I’m smarter than most people. Take Julia for instance, wanting a puppy! I know getting a puppy means submitting to its dictatorship. But I guess Julia just doesn’t have the brains to realize that. It takes someone like me to see through the adorable mask dogs put on and find their true, more malicious nature underneath. I’m disappointed in Julia. Today she’s turning seven, supposedly “growing up,” and asked for a puppy! I heard her in the kitchen yesterday, trying to convince Mom. Luckily, I was able to stop that conversation quickly by pretending I fell off the couch and hurt my head. Mom immediately came to my rescue, and there’s been no more talk of puppies since. Until now, that is. Apparently, even with my clever tactics, Dad’s bringing one home, now! I heard him talking with Mom right before he left.

Sometimes I think people mistake two-year-olds for innocent little toddlers who don’t understand anything past simple words and phrases, and apparently, falling off couches. We are so much more intelligent than that. I mean, they think we’re not old enough to have developed articulate thinking and mental abilities, while they can’t recognize the slightest harm in puppies! Don’t they know those infamous beasts will chew all my toys, slobber on my sippy cups, and demand ceaseless rubbing rights, stealing from my attention-time? With a puppy around, it will be so much harder to ensure my dominance over the household. They have a terrible knack for running up and bowling you over every time you think of a master plan to carry out their banishment, the numskulls.

I just sped over to the closet to have a conference with myself. The closet is my personal headquarters, in case you hadn’t realized. I have to decide what to do with this puppy that’s coming along. It would be an act of pure cruelty to turn it out, especially since Julie wants it so much. Sometimes I think I’m much too kind-hearted for my own good. Instead, I must determine what the benefits of dogs are, if they exist, and use them to my advantage. Perhaps I can find a way to make this new horror support my personal wishes, but it must be done with subtle expertise.

I’ll use my craftiness to design a perfect solution to avoiding disgusting meals. If I’m careful, I can secretly pass on my peas and radishes to the dog during dinner, never worrying about poisoning myself on those revolting vegetables. And if Mom ever did notice the mess on the carpet, she wouldn’t suspect that me, an innocent little child, would carry out such a clever idea. Really, it often works in my favor wonderfully when parents don’t realize their child’s genius. I honestly have no idea why I didn’t come up with this stupendous plan before; it must be the broccoli I was forced to eat for lunch today.

Puppies also have a strange love for walks. It makes me rather uncomfortable, knowing we have something slightly in common. However, puppies enjoy walking and running, but I enjoy riding in my imperial stroller. Mom and Dad are sure to escort me as well while walking the dog. It’ll be so much easier to convince them to do so with the puppy’s adorable, though absolutely inferior, pleading gaze combined with my own. The frequency of my carriage rides is sure to increase considerably, and I should have no problem getting someone to offer their services for my own delight.

With my intelligent brain at work, this new intrusion will soon aid me in my quest for complete control in this household. I suppose it’s possible to bear the inconveniences of a puppy, as long as my master plan is never upset. The mental work it’s taken to come up with the perfect solution is enormous! These results I’m predicting had better be beneficial.