Here we are again: Strange, comical, and think-ey thoughts to interrupt serious conversations. Enjoy!

Dedicated to Miss Elder, in the hope it will lighten her day.

Okay, first of all, I would like to point out how scary the Jackson 5 is. Now don’t get me wrong, “I Want You Back” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” are great songs with catchy tunes, but when I start hearing a five-year-old sing, “shake it, shake it baby, come on now,” I get the creeps.

Technically, coffee is an herbal tea. I have suffered persecution because of this comment, but it is true.

What if, in the future, virtual reality becomes more used than actual reality, and then the real world can recover from human interference?

Vodka: because people can make even make potatoes taste disgusting.

I sometimes wonder if Charles Darwin was an ape in a beard, being an undercover activist for the rights of monkeys and apes across the globe. (Obviously, he wasn’t, for two reasons: there is no false beard in the universe to rival his, and two, he was one of the greatest scientists in history.)

Stiletto heels are the quintessence of subtle, elegant power. No joke, the force put on the floor by a stiletto heel is greater than the foot of an elephant. (Subtle and elegant power, that is, until you go outside and your heels get stuck in the dirt. Or you lose your balance. Or you get chased by literally anything.)

Whenever I want to be really stressed, I wonder what I would do if the Queen of England showed up at my house for tea.

I often try to think of a metaphor for how my mind organizes things. I’ve often said it’s like a huge room of file cabinets, but there’s so much random information and so many cabinets that I lose place of things all the time. I don’t think that’s really the case. It’s more like the private library of an old man who sits around in a cushy chair all day. Said old man (I’ll call him Pops Willy) represents my stream of thought and my attention. Pops Willy always has a book in his hand, be it a science article (random facts) or a novel (some random daydream), and Pops often gets bored of interacting with the real world, and goes back to his book. Pops never really gets rid of books, but there are many bookshelves with books arranged in front of books, or books under other books, or books stuck in miscellaneous locations around the library. Pops knows exactly where everything is, but he always gets distracted by something else on his way to get the thing he needs. The library doubles as an office, which was a bad design, because just when Pops Willy is on a roll in geometry or at writing a story, his keen eye lights upon some horror story, which, of course, represents stress, or he suddenly feels the urge to go take the 12:30 train of thought to the Land of Nod and visit his great-aunt Bertha, leaving the work half-done and the story abandoned mid sentence.

I sometimes wonder how Adam and Eve populated the world by themselves. If that happened today, say, after disease, unwise resource use, and warfare killed all but two very lucky people, they might have more than a dozen children, but what then? Those children would have to have children with each other, which, if you’ve studied the Old Kingdom of Egypt, results in gene damage, resulting in children that don’t live very long or that have serious genetic disorders. But now I’m thinking that since the world was perfect when Adam and Eve were created, there could be no such things as genetic defects, and their perfect DNA would be passed down to Cain and Seth (and the daughters we must assume they had but were not mentioned in Genesis.) These people would have children with each other, and by then there may be some recessive mutations in their DNA, but since they had a really, really strong start, it wouldn’t be too dangerous of a problem. Everybody had so many children back then that genetic diversity via mutations and eventual distinction of tribes and cities would eventually arise, giving homo sapiens a very good start at surviving the now sin-ridden world they inhabited. I’m no geneticist, but that’s how it plays out in my Biblical hypothesis.

Here’s something to learn: My grandmother taught me a made-up language called Alfalfa. Basically, you split a word up into its syllables and insert the sound alf right after the first sound. Cow becomes calfow. Food becomes falfood. You becomes yalfou. I becomes Ialf. Psychotherapy becomes psalfychalfothalferaalfpalfy. Antidisestablishmentarianism becomes Aalftalfidalfisealfstaalfblalfishmalfentaalfrialfaalfnialfsm. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious becomes salfupalfercalfalialffalfragalfilialfstialfcealfxpalfiaalflialfdalfocialfous. The possibilities are endless.