On the distant planet of Darvon, there was not a single being that didn’t know the name of Zog. His intergalactic empire stretched throughout the Milky Way. Only one planet, although unknowingly, denied his authority.   

Now Zog’s deep voice echoed through the great hall, “Ok. How about this? ‘Dearest Earthlings, We have had enough of you—’”

“Dearest? Dearest! I’ll tell you what, Zog, you are too soft with interplanetary communications! What about, ‘Small and unintelligent Earthlings?’” That was the sharp tone of Ogil, the emperor’s most trusted speech writer. 

Now it was time for Quilter, the underappreciated intercommunications adviser, to poke into the conversation. “Um, e-e-excuse me sir,” He began, a polite but inefficient start. “b-b-but we are, mmm, this is the first m-message we have ever sent to e-e-earth. Who knows m-m-maybe they have feelings. Shouldn’t we, um, make t-this message a l-l-little more o-open?” 

“Silence!” Zog roared. “I have had enough of your stuttering Quilter! The Invasion of The Space Monsters is showing in ten minutes, I do not want to miss it! So I do not have time to waste on writing silly letters! Do you understand?” The Emperor banged his fist against the crystal armrest of his throne for emphasis. 

Quilter, being easily frightened, stooped his head and inched backwards. “O-oh, y-y-yes sir, um, but, um, t-then why did you hire me?” 

Zog sniffed and pretended not to hear, “Where were we?” he asked.

“We have had enough of you.” Ogil’s nasty voice echoed.

 “Oh, right.” The emperor continued, “‘Our intolerance is due to the interference in our satellite connections. Your inexperienced National Aeronautics and Space Administration has been tampering with our Network And Satellite Association.’ How about that? Oh, never mind, I don’t care.” Zog paused for breath.

“Bravo, that was great! I would only change—” Ogil’s voice was cut off by the emperor’s fury. 

“Weren’t you listening?! I said I don’t care! This might cut into my movie time! So let’s make it quick!” Zog raged in a hurry. Ogil frowned, but shut his mouth. 

“As I was saying, ‘… And the Voyager? Was that some sort of joke?’”

“I’m s-sure they meant n-n-no harm in t-that.” Quilter interrupted on the behalf of humanity.

 The emperor’s eyes burnt with wrath. “Harm! Harm! Are you blind? Or did you not see what that thing did to my palace roof!” The room echoed. Quilter ducked down and tried to act small. “Now, I am wasting time. Would anyone else like to interrupt?” No one spoke. “Good. Let’s get on with it. ‘Our order is for earth to destroy all satellites and all other long range radio equipment. Your meddling may have been excusible if it hadn’t been for SETI. Their signals are always complicating our intergalactic messages. I have had enough!’” Zog finished, but then, realizing he hadn’t properly concluded, he continued, “‘You must reply in 24 days. If you do not reply, you will force us to fire our intergalactic missiles to obliterate your insignificant planet.” 

Now Ogil spoke, though still frowning, “Um, 24 days our time?”

“Of course 24 days is our time!” Zog looked up, exasperated.

“W-w-ait! B-ut our planet r-r-evolves around 24 t-times every Earth d-day!” Quilter again spoke in defense of the Earthlings.

“So what? I don’t care.” Zog retorted, “I’m in a hurry!” 

“B-but you forget t-that t-the transmission t-time i-is 24 hours a-a-and one s-second! Earth time! They will have n-n-negative one second to r-reply!!”

“Too late, I already sent it.” Zog said casually. 

“But w-when the p-p-people of earth read the m-m-message, t-they will think you’re an e-evil tyrant!” 

“They are a galaxy far far away. They can think whatever they want. But you can’t! You’re fired! Guards! Drag him away!” The emperor yelled, “Chauffeur! Drive me to the theater!”

The End, Literally